With New Years Eve upon us, a question I get most often is the dreaded  “What are your plans for New Years?”

And my answer Every. Single. Time: I have no idea.

I know one of the more popular things to do is hit up the bar or club- popping bottles, loud music, dancing and lost morals.

Sure this sounds like a lot of fun and maybe one night out of the year isn’t so bad but honestly let’s face it  at 26, there’s a reason everyone looks twice as young as you and it’s because…they are.

So, in the spirit of season, I’ve decided to put together a brief list of signs of when to know you’re too old for the club.

Yes, you – it’s time to retire.

1.  You have to hire a babysitter just to go out

Sometimes this is harder than spending the 2 hours getting ready to go out. So if given the option it’s going to be pj’s, netflix and chill, and by Netflix and chill I actually mean NETFLIX and CHILL (don’t touch me).

2. You can put the bill on debit and not your credit card

If you can afford to put an entire nights bill on your debit card rather than charging it, you’re too old for that sh!t.

3. You complain the music is too loud

I don’t think people go to clubs to talk to each other. It’s more of a social scene for alcohol, drugs and where dry humping on a dance floor is socially acceptable.

4. You feel overdressed

When you walk into a club and you feel like you would have fit in better if you wore your swimsuit or a gum wrapper- you’re too old. Let’s leave it there.


5.  You question who Molly is

All you hear about all night is people asking for Molly. Your first thought is this girl must be a regular. Unfortunately you haven’t met her, you don’t know what she looks like so you can’t be of any help. Being the nice person you are you think about setting up a search party.

6. Somebody hits on you 

I’m sorry but I’m not into the whole Hugh Hefner thing, why don’t you go find that poor girl Molly. Also if your idea of hitting on somebody is grabbing their a$$ and saying “Hey Baby” expect to get smacked -just saying.

7. Hangovers last  5 days (at minimum) 

If you manage to get past everything else and you do get drunk, expect the next 5 days to include, a massive headache and exhaustion (did I just run 10K??). Followed by the infamous statement: I swear I’m never drinking again!


8. Starting your night at 11:00 pm seems way too late

Like really 11pm??? Let’s face it I’m usually in bed with a face mask looking like a goblin.

9. You have no idea what song is playing

Everyone is singing along and you have no idea how they know the words or how to dance to that type of music. Like what do I do with my hands?

10. Crying

A lot of people cry in clubs. I thought we were having fun? Weren’t we having fun?

11. You wonder if they serve caesars or if they even know how to make them

You ask for a caesar and they look at you with that puzzled, you’re too old, awkward look- I know you know this look. Really??? I paid for this!

You had to shove through a crowd, got an elbow to the face just to find out all they have are shots called: dirty hooker, a blowjob and orgasm. No thanks, you can get those at home for free.


Now, now- don’t get your knickers in a knot. If you’re 26 + and still clubbing on a regular basis, thats great!….I guess. But Perhaps it’s time you consider hanging ’em up and realizing you really just don’t fit in anymore. I mean, you’re not even getting IDed (your grey hairs are showing). Don’t worry it’ll be OK – the club scene will forever remember you as a legend.

 If you do go out and did end up having a good time at the bar, well, you were probably really drunk.  Let’s face it at 26, my idea of a fun night is a good movie, a vanilla bean frap with a shot of peppermint – hold the whip and comfy pj’s. Don’t forget the bowl of chips!



One Comment Add yours

  1. You said what we’re all thinking lol! Especially the part about “Hangovers last 5 days”
    THAT IS SO REAL! How did this even happen? Like when did this start?


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